So Discouraging

The good news? The school Donald was scheduled for this spring (which we expected to possibly effect travel) has now been pushed out to August. I was so happy when we found that out :-)

The bad news:

http://adoption.state.gov/news/ukraine.html

The Ukrainian government has partially passed a bill which would halt further adoptions from most countries, including the United States. All the bits of information I've received so far have been, well, bits. It's hard to piece everything together to get a clear understanding of what exactly is going on over there, but here's what I've gathered so far:

The bill has passed one vote, but still must pass one more (one source I heard from said two more votes), after which the president will sign it into law.

The process could take roughly six months, but the link I provided said it could be completed before 2011.

The new law would also effect those who have already submitted their documents, including those who are already in Ukraine for their adoptions.

After all the random delays we've had, we're now grateful because they prevented us from wastefully spending thousands of more dollars on an adoption that might not happen.

We've decided to wait until the bill is completely dismissed (which could be between 1-7 months) to proceed with the next steps in the adoption. So far we're only out a few thousand dollars, but unfortunately we're not in a cushy enough financial position to proceed on optimism, because from here things get dramatically more expensive.

Jeremiah 29:11 KJV

¹¹For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.

I have no idea how things will turn out for us, but I know that our Heavenly Father does. Hopefully I can keep a stiff upper lip until His plan eventually comes together.

Joy, Joy, LOTS OF JOY This Morning!

1. My physical went well! Donald had the week off work for his hike, but is on his way to work right now, and is getting the physical notarized, which will then be sent out this evening! I HAVEN'T BEEN THIS HAPPY IN MONTHS!!!!!

2. Some eastern European countries won't pre-match you to children, such as Ukraine. However, there is an organization, Reece's Rainbow, which specializes in special needs adoption, and some profiles are offered for children in the country Donald and I are adopting from. We never heavily considered using their organization in general, but there was one little boy who I was drawn to for months. I emailed them and inquired about him, and prayed... but this little boy was not meant for us. He had been listed for quite some time, and I was honestly losing hope that a family would find him. I continued to check his profile every few days, hoping to see a missing picture, and a new adopting family listed on their "new commitments" page.

This last month, I noticed that he was no longer listed, and I was overjoyed that he had found a family. Through another adopting parent, I found his family's blog, and am happy to see that this precious little man will be coming home very soon.

There are so many waiting children out there, but to know that a child I cared about has found a family brings me so much peace and happiness. Check out their blog, and take a few extra seconds today to send prayers their way.

Physical Tomorrow! Yay! EXCEPT that...

MY PHYSICAL IS TOMORROW!

FINALLY!

Okay, so technically I only have a "new patient appointment" with my doctor (which I made a month-ish ago), and I've been told that they typically do not perform physicals if it's a patient's first visit... but I'm going into their office tomorrow with complete confidence, assuming that they'll give me what I need. If I meet any resistance, I will very sweetly and charmingly DEMAND that she signs off on my paperwork, and will proceed to have a complete meltdown until they sign my documents or call security.

It sounds like a good enough plan to me.

Donald is in the Olympic mountains with a friend this week, going on some manly hiking/camping trip, and it's not possible to contact him. So... if things go badly tomorrow, I'm grateful to have 2 loving dogs to come home and cry at.

Now that my physical will be out of the way, we're at the end of our homestudy, and will soon be able to get documents translated! YAY!

EXCEPT that...

we've recently been informed that there's a small chance Donald will deploy in February for a year. Yep after being gone 12 months, and then home for 6, he might be gone for 12 more. It's a "very small chance", but we've learned that there is no such thing as SMALL CHANCES with the Army, so we're waiting to dish out the $4,500 for translation until we know for sure that we will actually be able to complete this adoption.

Hopefully they'll let us know soon either way.

*forced optimistic army wife smile*

Oh, this blog... it reveals the most stressful bits of my life.

On all non-adoption levels, life is nearly perfect right now. No major complaints at all. :-)

Perfect Prints for Little Winn's Room!

Decorating Little Winn's room as proven to be one of the single most exciting things I've ever done. Holding something tangible helps me connect with him/her, and the challenge of decorating for a child of unknown gender (and age, to a degree) has been quite the enjoyable challenge!

With exception to a few flexible details (which are at the mercy of what treasures Craigslist, Goodwill, and the DI can offer me between now and this spring), the entire "nursery" has been decided upon, and is coming together nicely.

My most recent purchase sums up the general vibe of Little Winn's rockin' pad, and I couldn't be more excited to display such adorable art to celebrate their heritage.

I purchased them from Cowface, a small seller on Etsy. They're called Ukrainescapes, and I'm in LOVE.

They shipped yesterday. :-)

Eeek!

Believe it or not, completing my physical has gotten trickier.

Donald managed to get me signed up for off-base care with a civilian provider. When he got stationed at Fort Lewis and switched us from TriCare Standard to TriCare Prime, it took a month to take effect. That was the first 3 weeks of waiting, and the most reasonable.

Well, after I had all my labs taken (on the 9th) and had set up an appointment for the 20th, he hastily signed me up for civilian care. I'm grateful, I really am. I would have done the same thing, but... well, he didn't think to ask when it would take effect.
Well, it took effect immediately... and we didn't know it.

On the 15th, I drove to Fort Lewis after work (a 1 hour drive) to have my TB test read.
...and then was told that I didn't belong to their clinic anymore, and thus were not sure if they could read my TB test.

In very friendly and professional terms, I essentially told them to just shut up and read my freakin test because they had given it to me 48 hours prior and if they didn't read it then nobody could.

I then used my brief moment with the nurse to request my lab results from the 9th. Turns out I'm disease free! Everything came back clean.
Except HIV.
Which is to say, I couldn't be given the results to that test. Only my primary care doctor is authorized to give me those results due to some reasonable, yet highly inconvenient, privacy laws.

At check-out, I asked the front desk if there was a way around my HIV results (secretly, I wanted the results on paper so I could take all my results to my off-post clinic's PromptCare). They say no... then inform me that they must cancel my appointment for the 20th due to my switch to off-base care.

I spent the next hour being sent from office to office, trying to find someone authorized to bend some rules to make up for the misery I'd been put through.
No dice.

The best they can do is to "try", and then promise to call me back. They called once (a few hours later) to tell me they were trying, and then promise to call with an official answer later. We never got that call. I wasn't shocked.

The soonest my new doctor can see me is mid-October. EEK!

So I call TriCare and ask them how to have my HIV test sent to my new doctor's office. They tell me that they can't, and that my MD must submit a form to have the results forwarded to him by mail.
Which would-- you guessed it -- delay things even further.

Prompt Care would be a different physician, and not my primary care doctor, so they could neither submit the form nor be given the results.

Upon finding this out, I was on my cell phone while sitting in the clinic's parking lot - an uncomfortable place to have a meltdown.
So... I call Donald at work, hoping to calm myself down by maturely explaining the situation to him. Instead, I cried. A lot. And it was the UGLY CRY.

Luckily, I have the most amazing husband ever, and he came home early from work, let me cry more, and then took me shopping. After an hour at the mall, I managed to spend $12 on a bottle of body spray. Such a small thing, but it made me feel better. Then we picked up dinner from Safeway so I wouldn't have to cook, and finished our evening in front of the TV.

On Monday I'm going to find out if the clinic will allow me to have another HIV test drawn locally without having to meet with my doctor first.
I'm sure they will. It's a perfectly reasonable request.
If they say no, I'm going to have another meltdown. Possibly a loud one, right there in their office. Maybe it will get me a sooner appointment. Unlikely, but at this point I have nothing to lose.


The physicals are supposed to be some of the more straight-forward and simple parts of the home study and dossier, so if I wasn't experiencing this all for myself, I wouldn't believe any of it.

I'm choosing to believe that God needs us in Ukraine later rather than sooner.

I was listening to my favorite radio show host yesterday morning, and he said he wondered about how sick God must get of us complaining, and if he ever felt like telling us to shut up. Then, he reminded his audience that God gives us EXACTLY what we need, even if it doesn't come in the cute little package we want, and that instead of complaining about our less-than-perfect situations we should all just SHUT UP and be grateful.

So, I'm trying to be grateful. Hopefully, all these delays might finally make sense once we're in Ukraine.

PS - I have a cranky boy on the couch with me who's pushing random keys and poking me in the face. Someone's ready for bed, even if he says he's not.
...that someone would be my spouse.

Complications, Complications

The Army is sending Donald to BNOC (leadership training) smack dab in the middle of our "most likely to travel to Ukraine" timeframe. He'll leave in late March and return in May.

Assuming we FINALLY get this physical situation sorted out, our documents would (we assume) be translated and submitted in November-ish.

After reading other Ukrainian-adoption-bloggers timelines', that would have us receiving an SDA appointment somewhere between February and May.

I ran my first 5k this morning (a big deal for me), then we went to the Puyallup fair, and then we went shopping. It was a full day... a perfect day.

Until we came home and found this out.

BNOC is a school required for soldiers after they are promoted to SSG. He was promoted back in 2006, but due to deployments, other training, 2 moves, and one paperwork mix-up, he has yet to be sent. If he had recently been promoted, they would likely allow him to push it out by another few months, but that's looking unlikely right now.

I consider myself to be a very optimistic and generally happy person, but I feel so defeated. The past 2 months have consisted of one depressing setback after another, and I've never felt so discouraged.

Ultimately, I know everything will unfold in the way God intends... but when life is continually so complicated, it makes me believe that He is paying extra attention to our life. As if he's taking more time to orchestrate things in the most intricate, detailed, and, well - COMPLICATED way possible.

And right now, I don't find that the slightest bit comforting. I should, but I don't.

I'm working on that.

TriCare... oh, Tricare...

The military employs some of the greatest doctors and nurses on earth. I'm so grateful for the healthcare provided to me because of my husband's job.

Having said that, I have never had a single positive experience making appointments or getting referrals. Trying to get a simple physical for the adoption (our home study has been otherwise complete for going on 2 months now) has been quite the challenge.

Thursday, September 9th:

We waited a LONG TIME for my appointment on September 9th. I went to said visit, and the doctor was wonderful. She ordered all the appropriate labs and told me to come back the following week and she would do a papsmear (I hate typing that out loud, but it's crucial to plot development). For a brief moment, I think how smoothly everything is going, but quickly decide to distract myself with other thoughts for fear of jinxing things.

Whoops. Too late.

I go to make a follow-up appointment across the hall, at which point I'm told that I can't make another appointment with her. You see, the appointment I just had was in the Red Team clinic... and I don't "belong" to Red Team. Internal Medicine is my assigned clinic, and that's where I have to go.

Hurray for socialized medicine!

But it gets better. They all but accuse me of having hacked into their computer system or of using my voodoo mind powers to have made the initial Red Team appointment. "Well you clearly don't belong to Red Team, so how you even made that first appointment is questionable."

Like WTF?!?

I called the appointment line. I gave them my information and said I needed a physical for an adoption. I'm sneaky and manipulative like that, I know!

I temporarily gave up, and went to get my blood drawn before the lab closed.

This was Thursday.

I go home, but by the time I'm home the appointment line is closed.

Friday, September 10th:

After getting off work that afternoon, I called Tricare to make an appointment with Internal Medicine... for September 20th. Compared to how long I waited last time, this is fast. Foolishly, I got optimistic and reassured myself that "I already have all my labs done, so I can get everything completed at this appointment and I'll be done."

...or not.

The TriCare appointment people then specifically tell me my primary doctor can NOT do a papsmear for me, under any circumstances (it has been 4 years since my last, so it was required for the physical). Their first available appointment? OCTOBER 20TH. At this point I give up on being nice, and tell them NO-freakin-WAY.

NOPE.

NOT ACCEPTABLE.

"FIX THIS!"

After much complaining, they manage to find me a sooner appointment with the OBGYN clinic for... October 18th. Because that's so much better.

At this point I start crying for about 3 seconds. That's all I had time for. I got over it, and put my game face back on.

And I flipped out more. It tends to do the trick with TriCare.

I'm eventually told that once I year I can do a self-referral off-post for a well-woman exam. SUCESS!

At this point it's 5pm, and the civilian doctors offices are closed.

Monday, September 13th:

I go to Fort Lewis (All these clinics are located in Madigan Hospital/Medical Center) to get my TB test (a 50 minute drive from work, 1 hour in-clinic, and then a 30 minute drive home.)

Finally, I'm home.

I call the tri-care approved doctors to set up an appointment. Everyone has appointments for the following week (roughly two weeks from my initial doctor's appointment). A reasonable timeline... except that I was due to start my... er, "monthly" THIS weekend. So it was the week of the 13th or else I'd have to wait until at LEAST September 24th... after my appointment for the physical (where everything needs to be signed off at).

The civilian doctors have ONE available appointment for the next day, the 14th, at 11:15am... when I'm at work. I call around to find a co-worker who can cover for me. NOBODY can.

Ultimately, I decide that ensuring this physical doesn't get pushed out by another 6ish weeks is WORTH the risk of getting fired. I take the appointment, and tell work that I won't be in the next day. They took it well.

Tuesday, September 14th:

Went to the Gyno. Got my lady tests done.

Today, September 15th:

After work, I'll be driving back to Madigan (on Fort Lewis) to get my TB test read.

I'm no medical professional, but I feel no bump. I think I'm clean.

Hopefully this will all be over on the 20th! (Which I also do NOT have coverage at work for... we'll see how that works out.)

The good news?

I picked up paint samples last week for Little Winn's room. WHICH room (s)he gets is still up for debate though, haha. I'll save that for a later post though. :-)

I Don't Need No Stinkin' Stretchmarks

Some days this adoption doesn't feel real.

Unlike most mothers, my belly isn't growing. There are no flutters, kicks, or (thankfully) bouts of morning sickness. While other moms are experiencing constant physical reminders of the joy forming in their tummies, I have pieces of paper.

...and lemme tell ya, filling out ridiculous forms is nowhere near as fun as maternity shopping.

Sometimes, fear gets the better of me. My fears are similar to what a lot of pregnant moms experience though, I'm sure.

"What if something happens?"
What if the Ukrainian judge takes one look at Donald's tattoos, and deems us unfit parents? What if my youthful face (at 24, strangers are shocked that I'm over 20) works against my favor, and the court decides I seem too young and immature to bring home a 4 year old we've fallen in love with?

"...is this actually happening?"

We fill out paperwork, and wait... but paper has no heartbeat. Paper is nothing to hold on to... and if I can't see something, it just isn't real to me.

"Am I ready?"

And other days, I wonder if I'm setting myself up for failure, and worry that I'm going to be the world's worst mother.

In the last few years, few things have been more unpleasant than finding out a friend or relative (especially those much younger and/or un-expecting/unprepared than myself) were pregnant (or, less frequently, completing an adoption). I knew that one day our time would come, and that we'd be parents. I had faith that God's plan for our family would, at some point, unfold beautifully.

It still hurt though - every time.

But now, there are days like today.

Days when I find out another friend is expecting... and I am purely full of joy and excitement for them. No jealousy, no fist-shaking at the heavens, no awkward silences or tearful prayers.

Nothing but happiness.

Because we're on the road to Little Winn... and (s)he is as real as if (s)he were in my belly... except that I might just get out of this without stretch-marks.

...total bonus!

Physicals

Donald has been home (back from his deployment and a LONG wait in Arizona) for a few weeks, and as of last week we are fully in-processed into Fort Lewis. I am now officially enrolled in TRI-care West Prime (our local region of the military's health insurance). We've been waiting on this for some time now, so today (the first day I was able to) I called and made a doctor's appointment for my physical.

Their first available appointment? September 9th. Not ideal, but things could be worse.

In so many ways, his job has made this a far longer and difficult process than I'd like, but when I find myself becoming frustrated I count my blessings. The Army, however much it complicates our lives, provides a steady income and various forms of support to its adopting families.

...and for that, I am grateful!

Crossed Fingers, Arizona (still!), Medical Exams

Donald is still in Arizona.

Being apart doesn't technically make the process more difficult, but it does have the ability to make things seem that way.

We're still not sure exactly when he'll be home. The Army can be counted on for many great things, but punctuality is not among them. I keep reminding myself that he'll be back, and that this is not permanent. Still, not having a date makes the certainty of his return seem... uncertain, I suppose. I like solid dates (even if they turn out to be inaccurate), because they give my wandering imagination somewhere to go. So along with my husband's impending return, I also find myself constantly wondering when our SDA appointment will be. Will I need to pack a winter coat, or shorts and sunscreen? Never mind that the soonest I'll need to begin packing is January - by golly I want to start THINKING about what I WILL pack. It's not crazy, it's efficient, completely reasonable, and perfectly normal of me.

I like planning. It relaxes me.

Don't judge.

We've already sent all our documents in for the home study... well, everything except for our medical exams. I've been putting if off until Donald comes home, so we can both go at the same time. We're hoping that our home study provider will begin writing everything up in the mean time, completing what he can so that when he finally does receive the last piece, he'll be able to wrap it up within days. On average, his turnaround is 3-ish weeks, so we're crossing our fingers and toes that those 3 weeks began with everything else being submitted, and not from the day we get the last form to him.

Home Study Progress

Well, Donald is still in Arizona. We're not sure when he'll be back, but our best guess is in 2-ish weeks from now.

As of today, everything for the home study has been submitted except for our physicals. We'll be getting them as soon as Donald returns. Turnaround on the home study, we've been told, is roughly one month. Assuming that he starts on the process tomorrow (and then wraps it up within a week of receiving our physicals), the home study should be ready to go by early September.

It's now time to get in contact with our facilitator to find out what steps need to be taken to get our documents translated, and how long that will take.

Home Study Stuff

I have paperwork sitting in front of me that needs to be finished. We are ALMOST done with the home study. Just a few more forms and we're DONE. What's left is nothing too overwhelming for the normal person, but I look at it and feel like imploding. Even the smallest thing right now feels like too much.

It won't take that long, and every moment I wait to finish it is a moment longer that Little Winn waits for us.

So why is it not done already...?!?

The human mind (okay, my mind) baffles me.

The home study process is so intrusive and emotionally draining. On a reasonable level I understand it all. It's there for a purpose, and I'm grateful that they screen parents so thoroughly. But still, it can become bothersome. Do they really need to know, in detail, what my biggest disappointment in life was? Or how often we have "relations"?

I just want to stick my head in the sand.

They're not asking that much from me, but I'm a sensitive (and slightly lazy...) soul, I guess. I just get overwhelmed so easily, and I'm definitely there right now.

First Homestudy Visit Soon!

Good news, everyone! Donald is finally home (for a couple weeks anyway... and then he has to leave again for a few MORE weeks before he's permanently home again).

He flew in the other night, and the next day we emailed our homestudy social worker... and he was able to fit us in for a visit THIS TUESDAY!

YAY!

Military Hiccup

There was a slight military-related hiccup during the last few weeks. We received word that we might be re-stationed, so everything was paused. It was sudden, and very unexpected. There we hung for a couple weeks, feeling helpless. Paperwork sat there in front of me, unable to be turned in for fear we'd be moving (to continue on with the homestudy in hopes of staying would have meant wasting a couple thousand bucks if we ended up moving, so there was definitely no room for such optimism).

All is well that ends well, though. We're not moving, and now my head is pounding just looking at all this paperwork. Admittedly, my savage sinus infection might be contributing to that. It's been killing me for several weeks now, but I've had zero time to get into the doctor. The quarter(school) ends next week though, at which point I'll have ample free time to get some antibiotics (oh, AND get my medical exam for the home study), yay!!

An Indescribable Love

Today I just want our Little Winn to be home.

I know, I know... I'm trying hard not to sound sappy and ridiculous. I haven't even met the kid. I don't even know if it's a he or she, or whether (s)he is already in preschool, or was just born. To emotionally complicate things further, we won't know until we arrive in Ukraine... which is nearly a year away.

When I'm not busy working or doing homework, I think of our Little Winn. Is (s)he in a state-run orphanage, or "fortunate" enough to be in a privately operated Christian facility? Is (s)he being held enough... or at all? Are kind words being spoken to him/her? Has (s)he had enough to eat? If (s)he's old enough to understand the situation, does (s)he have hope that we'll be there soon? However insufficiently, is (s)he being shown love by someone? Anyone?

The concept of loving a soon-to-be-adopted child has always made sense to me. Having known others who've adopted internationally, I've seen that engulfing love that overcomes them when they look at their baby's picture.

We, however, do not have a picture. All we have is an answered prayer. I definitely underestimated the frustration, longing, and love that would immediately result after receiving an answer to those prayers. The moment I felt our Heavenly Father had given His blessing on a Ukrainian adoption, a formerly unknown Slavic child suddenly became our child.

...and it's crazy how such a thing can change a person as much as it has.

So how can I explain the love I have for Little Winn before I know a single thing about him/her? To even consider elaborating makes me feel like an emotional nutcase.

...and so I won't.

I love our Little Winn already, I can't explain it, and I'm certainly not gunna fight it.

Shopping Complications

However trivial it may be, one of the most difficult aspects of Ukrainian adoption is that you don't specifically know the age or gender of the child until you arrive in country (at which point you are presented with several profiles of potential matches, much like you would normally do prior to traveling, with other countries). It's not like we don't have a say in things, but between the Ukrainian system and God's will... we could come home with just about anything, haha!

All we know is that Little Winn will be somewhere between 12 months and 5 years old.

So... pacifiers or preschool? Time will only tell! We'll be thrilled with either, but my obsessive compulsive planning/online-shopping has become a bit more complicated lately.

Thus far, these are the only safe purchases I've decided on, as they will be appropriate for any child in our age category.

1. A Britax Boulevard car seat (or seat with similar capabilities and features).

I've already decided to keep my kids rear-facing for as long as possible. It's far safer, and I'm cool with swimming against the cultural stream on this issue. The seat rear-faces to 35 pounds, so a 1-3ish year old would be well protected. It can then be used forward-facing, with 5 point restraints, to 65 pounds. As I also plan to keep my kids "locked down" in 5-points longer than most, a seat like this will work for any child in the age range we've applied for.

2. Toddler Bed. I googled crib mattress measurements. I also consulted a CDC growth chart. Any normal 1-5 year old will fit in one nicely. I know, I'm obsessive. I have extra time on my hands with Donald still deployed... so go easy on the judging ;-) . If we get a squirmy 1 year old, we'll pick up a pack n play. We also have a twin bed in the craft room, so if Little Winn turns out to be a gargantuan kindergartner, we're equally set.

The inability to fulfill my insatiable shopping-itch is a good thing. It forces me to keep things simple, and to keep pinching those precious pennies.

...because seriously, when Little Winn gets here, we're going to the mall, and staying until they kick us out. That requires lots of pinched pennies, I'll tell you what.

Ukraine: FTW!!

Donald and I (Katrina) have recently made the first steps toward a Ukrainian adoption. Needless to say, we're both thrilled with this decision, and are excited for what lies ahead for us.

The road to this decision was a long and complicated one. Though we knew our Heavenly Father had parenthood through adoption in His plan for us, the details of said plan weren't always clear. To us, where our child came from and what he or she looked like, wasn't a factor. We simply desired to find the child we were meant to be with. In the last two years, we explored domestic infant adoption, foster-adoption, and various different international programs. Ultimately, Ukraine turned out to be the route for us.

While we hope our family and friends will enjoy keeping up with our journey through this blog, my main intended audience is other families considering, and going through, Ukrainian adoption. Since Donald and I have started on the process, I've found other blogs to be a huge support, encouragement, and source of information.

I'm generally awful about updating our family blog, so I don't expect to change overnight for this one. Thus, most posts here will be short, sweet, and to the point. Things might lean more toward technical than emotional, as the "technical details" on other adoption blogs are what I've personally craved most.

...wish us luck!